Terrorizing the Low-Maintenance Boyfriend: A Lesson in Eyebrow Waxing


To hear my boyfriend tell it, I, “came at [him] with a pair of tweezers.” This statement implies two things. First, his words suggest an attack movement on my part, however the plucking was done with love and care. Second, it’s not like I didn’t warn him by saying, “Sit tight–I’ll be right back with my tweezers.”

Let me tell you a little about Mike: Ex-Marine. Quarterback. Basketball shorts. Despite a successful career in toughness, Mike’s kind heart affords him the tolerance to withstand my “torturous” whims– which brings us back to brow maintenance.

I combed and trimmed his brows with ease and marveled at how this step makes such an amazing difference every time–especially on men. Aestheticians, including myself, do this before plucking or waxing; combing brows upward and trimming offers instant results and low risk to ruining their shape. However, the tweezers pushed Mike over the edge.

“Just let me wax them,” I offered.

He retorted, “Hell no!”

“But this is my job. I do this for a living- waxing is way easier than tweezing.”

“No.”

“But you get pedicures…”

He growled, “That’s for the [leg] massage! No.”

Boyfriends and beaus past always accepted my brow maintenance attempts with quiet reserve and surrender. Mike’s resistance presented a new challenge and I silently vowed I’d get to wax those brows. Later, I casually mentioned the football coach who is a body waxing client. “No.” I told him I wouldn’t do a complete brow design, but would only clean them up. “No.”

He called his mother to say hello and tattle about how wicked I was for daring to tweeze three eyebrow hairs. She told him, flatly, that her husband waxed regularly. Although Mike raised a bushy brow in consideration, he maintained the “devil wax” wouldn’t leave the Honee pot.

A few hours later, I was offered the deal of a lifetime when Mike bartered information for brows. My eyes lit up. “So, if I tell you, you’ll really let me wax them?”

“Yes.”

High levels of testosterone, as found in males, generally indicate a surplus in hair growth. The hair is often thick, coarse, and dark. Unless you’re a Doctor, an Aesthetician, or work for Animal Control, don’t look at the next photo if you’re eating. One, lower-brow swipe did a world of good in the low-maintenance man’s brow routine:

When I swiped the wax across his lower brow bone, he commented that the warm wax was soothing. When I pulled the strip, Mike said the pain was nowhere near what he anticipated. In fact, it really didn’t hurt. We might go for a full-fledged brow design next time, but I considered our session a success:

WINNING!!!!

Eyebrows. And Thinking Too Much.


My eyebrows are more naturally askew than a mismatched pair of argyle— and striped socks. The right one grows smoothly and the left one looks like this:

Eyebrow design challenges aside, irregular brows present difficulties in day-to-day life. The problem is looking like an unkempt freak. In order to hang properly, like fresh-cut bangs, eyebrows need training.

I first tamed my unruly brows in 7th grade. I wasn’t allowed to pluck or wax them (or shave my legs either—yeah, I was that awkward girl), but Mom presented a can of hairspray and a brow comb. I thought she was seriously delusional until she pointed me to the makeup mirror and forced me to try her method. I looked awesome. I looked like this:

Fantasies aside, within a week, the wayward brows found themselves tamed.

I remembered middle school this morning as I applied my makeup. Rather than reaching for a defining pencil, I grasped a can of TIGI Hardhead Hairspray and a brow comb. A tiny spritz saturated the wand with plenty of product to comb both brows. In that moment, I missed the 90s: Yaga shirts, the Real Word Boston, the first Counting Crows album, and drinking sodas before carbs counted. I thought about friendships.

Some people will forever exist in the 90s. Some friendships only endure through Facebook. A strange paradox arises from the realization that change and regeneration excludes or accepts those around us… and although people come and go, my beauty practices remain the same.